The Work Comes With

Matt and I are on day five of a three-plus week trip to Italy for the holidays, and yes, it’s a dream come true to be here. Literally. We’ve been talking about coming to Italy together almost since we started dating, five years ago in January. 

Dream come true.

Also, we’re real people. Even if you’ve been lucky enough in your life to get really good at traveling well, the truth is: international travel is taxing in weird and unexpected ways, and, as is wont to happen when it’s nothing but you and your beloved spending lots of time together in new and sometimes challenging circumstances, there’s a good chance that whatever shit is lurking beneath the surface in your relationship is going to surface. And be dealt with. 

Or not. 

That depends entirely on how committed you are to being present to what’s in front of you. How committed you are to being in integrity with how you feel.

Thankfully, Matt and I are both incredibly committed to this relationship and to ourselves, and though a three-and-a-half hour, come-to-Jesus conversation in our Roman apartment on day two of our “vacation” probably wasn’t what either of us thought we were signing up for, we both showed up in full force. Tears and fears and all that we’re carrying—individually and together—put on the table for exhumation.

It’s incredible what’s there beneath the surface if you’re brave enough to dig in and face feeling. The fears each of us carries—deeply imprinted from a time before we were old enough to choose what beliefs we took on—reflected and triggered so perfectly by one another’s presence.  I’m awed and humbled by the incredible reflexive nature of what we attract in relationship—Matt’s feelings of “not enough” perfectly complemented by my own core fear of being “too much.”

The real question ultimately being: are we brave enough to continue to try?

Isn’t that always the question? I know it has been for us, repeatedly. At least five times in the last year alone.

And the answer? 

We are. 

I am.

I am here. And. I want to be here. With you. 

And so, here we are.

In less than twenty minutes, we’ll arrive in Firenze…an exciting new leg of this incredible journey we’re on together. We carry our baggage with us, so it’s not unlikely that we’ll have to continue doing the work, even in a new town…and, at the same time, there is such immense possibility around every corner. In every slice. 

And in the end, isn’t that why we came?

Each of us—to face the unknown, to be witnessed, and in the process, to be revealed.

I can do it all by my self. Hopefully.

I am so humbled by life sometimes. Often, actually.

Two years ago today, Matt took me camping--my first camping trip--in Montana. It was only two days after we'd had a big relationship talk--on day two of a five week road trip. Inevitable that when you're trapped in a car with someone all your issues come to the surface, am I right? Anyway. If you want to address your shit, I can't recommend a long road trip highly enough.

It was a powerful conversation, and afterward, I took a nap. I didn't know if, when I woke up, Matt and I would still be dating. It was one of THOSE conversations. But we were. And. Something BIG had shifted between us energetically. It felt like all of a sudden I was living in a new relationship...which makes me think maybe I should take more naps.

So two nights after the big talk--in Montana--I went camping for the first time in my life, and I had an experience that would make me fall in love with camping forever. I won't go into it in detail here, other than to say it was downright magical on all fronts.

Matt and I camping and Lewis and Clark Caverns State Park in Montana, September 2015

Matt and I camping and Lewis and Clark Caverns State Park in Montana, September 2015

I'm sharing this because two days ago, on the anniversary of that talk, Matt and I had yet another big talk. Surprisingly, or maybe not at this point, the themes of this talk were exactly the same as the energies coming up in our talk two years ago.

Also surprising, the thing that set this conversation off? Trying to plan a camping trip!

Different time, different context, same conversation: I want what I want to be honored in my life and I do not want to feel like a burden in my relationship because of that.

Now listen, I know that feeling like a burden...that's on me. My partner is always a reflection of my inner belief system. And thankfully, we can count on the lessons to keep coming up, over and over again, until we learn them. Matt will continue to grow, as will I, and, more likely than not, we will continue to have different versions of this conversation until I have cleared the niggling belief that I am a burden. That I could ever be a burden. That honoring my needs could ever be a burden to the people who love me.

I'm also clear that if it does feel like a burden to them, THAT is on them. Cool how that works, huh? If I feel like a burden, that's on me. If someone else feels like I am a burden, that's on them. Responsibility!


I knew I needed help to move through what I was feeling, and poor Matt was headed off to work (I have great timing), so this time I didn't take a nap. I called a best friend. Meredith. I cried. I raged. I laughed at how hilarious it is that the same things keep coming up--over and over and over. I made a knee-jerk decision to go camping alone, to spite Matt. To show him: I don't need you to have what I want. And. I'm feeling a lot feelings about you not being willing to show up for me the way I want you to.

Before he went to work, I definitely made it a point to allow him to witness me in all I was feeling. And then I let him go.

After he left, I stayed present to what I was feeling, and let me tell you, spite and anger are not energies that feels good. Yet when they're present, we require to feel them. To express them. To be witnessed inside our pain and anger. To be held in loving presence--whether by our selves or an other--so that we can allow the energies to shift.

As I stayed present, as I kept talking with Meredith about all the things that were coming up for me--many of which had absolutely nothing to do with Matt--things started to change. Where I initially felt pressure on an old wound, I started to feel: relief, expansion, possibility.

Next week, I am going camping.


For the first time ever.

And I am freaking excited.

Have I ever lit a campfire before? No. Can I put up our tent by myself? Probably not. What about food? Honestly, I think that I'm going to do a juice cleanse the whole so that I don't have to worry about what's going to happen if I can't get a fire lit. It's the kind of camping where you get to park your car right next to the campsite, so it's not ludicrous to take like 30 juices, even though, at the same time, it's a little bit ludicrous. Whatever. It's what I want!

Any way.

For the record, I do not think you can be truly excited and joyful while also being spiteful. You have to let that energy go to move--into an energy that feels good. Which I'm proud to have done. Now, I'm excited. I've booked a primo campsite. I've allowed myself to open up to the possibility that THIS is exactly what I need right now.

Quiet. Alone-ness. Time to get re-sourced.

I've been saying since that first camping trip two years ago that I want to go camping way more often. That's been challenging to do with Matt and I, given the pace of our lives and the difficulty of scheduling. And so, if I'm going to have the life I really want--a life with lots of camping--maybe that means that sometimes I go it alone. And maybe that's okay. Maybe it's perfect.

Maybe it starts now.

Not maybe.


The life of my dreams?

It's now. I choose it.

I'm deepening into the Truth--that I don't NEED Matt in order to do or have or be all the things I want to do. That having a partner isn't about sharing everything. It's about sharing what you can, when you can, and trusting that it's enough. Because it is.

And if it isn't, you talk about it. Over and over again. And a little at a time, if you work really hard at staying present to what you're feeling, things shift.

I firmly believe that sharing is caring. And. When sharing everything doesn't feel good, you need to realize that maybe sometimes not sharing is caring too.

Because when it comes down to it. I don't want to camp because it serves my relationship with Matt, although I believe that it does. I want to camp because it serves me. I want to do it for my self. And if I want to do it for my self, I need to get comfy with doing it all by my self.

So that's what I'm going to do. Hopefully.

Wish me luck!


ps - If you want to hear a lot more about that initial conversation with Matt in the car on our roadtrip, I actually recorded a whole podcast episode about it with my best friend. Sally. You can listen to it here. It's one of my favorite episodes we've ever made.

pps- If you listen and like it, I'd be really honored if you'd share it with your besties. Or on your social media. Or rate us on iTunes. It's incredible to be supported by listeners--no feeling like it. I appreciate you!

I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!

Holy shit! I just triggered the shit out of you! We are both freaking out because CLEARLY that was an accident, and yet, it definitely happened. The hurt you feel is very real. I know... because I can feel it too. We're both confused right now. And we're both afraid that whatever this is that's happening between us, it indicates that the sacred connection we thought we had isn't real. We're both scared of what we are about to lose. But the truth is, we have all already lost everything we'll ever have, including each other. That's the truth of being alive. So, let's take a breath, re-clasp our hands, and move forward together in good faith. Because this journey is always only one step at a time. And I promise, I've got your back. Every step of the way, babe. Every step of the way.


Are we there yet???

I believe that anything is possible for my life. I believe that I will absolutely get where I'm going, and that even though I don't know where that is, it's somewhere wonderful. It's taken awhile to get here...and from where I'm standing, I believe these things with all my heart.

I realized this afternoon however that I have also been believing that while big change can and does happen, it takes a long time. That while things are getting better without a doubt, it's a slow process, requiring years of dedication and "hard work."

I realize now that this belief--that big change takes a long time--feels disheartening. Personally, I have a hard time getting motivated to take action when the realization of my desires feels so far away. And yet, deep down, I know: huge change can happen in a split second. I can't even begin to count the number of times the course of my life has changed in one singular, synchronistic moment.

And so, I'm releasing my old belief about change, and moving forward, I intend to ground more deeply into the truth that huge miracles can and do happen in a moment's time. I'm opening to receiving lessons through joy and pleasure that powerfully reinforce my belief in this truth.

I invite you to do the same.

Until more of us make this shift into knowing that our human understanding of time does not apply to how miracles work, we'll continue to manifest the paradigm of massive change taking a long time. And with the current climate in America (and the world), we can't afford that.

Where are you believing that the change you want to see is currently out of reach? And more importantly, what evidence from your own life have you received indicating that massive change can happen in an instant? Will you open yourself to receiving more of this truth?

ps - After writing this, upon the re-read, I saw "We can't afford that," and went, "Oh no! Don't say that! Scarcity!" So, to be clear, it is all perfect and we can take however long we like as a species to get back to a state of oneness. Preferably, I'd like to hurry it up, and while we can afford it, I don't think we should wait, so I'm leaving the language alone. Maybe I'll trigger someone else's scarcity in a way that lights a fire under his/her ass

I intend for this to serve you.

So far, the energy in 2017 has felt so juicy and ripe. For the first time in a long time, I feel “all in.” To be honest, “all in” (with myself, with my business, with my relationship to God) is a place I’ve been trying to be for quite some time. And, I’ve been scared to go there.

What do I mean by “all in”? In a practical sense, I mean moving through your life with the FULL power of intentionality.

Intentionality. That’s a loaded concept, isn’t it? We talk A LOT about intention and intentionality in the world of personal growth. Despite how often that word is thrown around, I think it’s often misunderstood. To truly understand something, we must get close enough to see it clearly. And not just kinda close. We need to get intimate.

In the past, I’ve kept intention at arms length, because in order to truly embrace the power of intention, you require to put your heart on the line. You have to be in that believing place. You know, all in. I think a lot of us are moving through life, flirting with intention, and yet, never getting truly intimate. Never close enough to get burned.

Even me. I've gotten really good at putting some gorgeous words together and labeling it as my intention. And yet, even when I have really meant those words, I've only meant them with about 5/8 of my heart.

Spoiler alert: this kind of just-barely-more-than-half-hearted intention setting is not super powerful. At least not when we consider the full scope of the power that’s available to us within a heartfelt connection to our intentions.

So why do we shy away? I can speak only for myself here, and yet, I feel that this might resonate.  I haven’t gotten really intimate with intention because I’ve been terrified of disappointment. To put the full weight of my desire behind my requests to the universe? To experience let down and disappointment if I perceive that my intention has not been carried out? To come to the conclusion that all this abundant universe talk is bullshit? That God isn't real? I've not been willing to risk that. Until now.

So what’s changed? Well, lately, I’ve been grounding pretty intensely into the truth of an abundant universe. I’ve been consciously willing myself to find evidence of the truth that we can summon source energy at will to fulfill our desires. And though I’ve not mastered it quite yet, evidence is showing up. Something big has shifted.

I’m beginning to believe. And I don't mean, "Yeah, God might be real..." I mean, "HOLY SHIT. This shit is REAL." I've had more than a few experiences now that have left me feeling more excited about getting closer to god than I feel scared about finding out there's nothing there.

Now, back to intention. I'm ready to get intimate.

The truly great thing is that we don’t require to be 100% sure of an abundant universe before we begin moving closer to true intentionality. Like most things, we can start before we feel “ready.”

As long as your belief in abundance outweighs (even just a tiny bit) your fear that abundance isn’t real, you are ready.

So how do we make movement toward intentionality?

We ask ourselves: can I trust myself enough to identify my truest desires around this thing and name them? Can I trust myself to infuse my desire fully into my experience, even without knowing the outcome? Can I name what I want to receive in the full belief that I will receive exactly what I’ve asked for or something even better? Even if it doesn't look how I think it will right now?

Just today, I’ve decided: yes. I do trust myself that much. And with that simple decision, I’m doing things differently. And THAT is the other incredible thing. When you put full and powerful intention behind your actions, the actions themselves may not change, and yet, the way you experience things will.

For instance, there’s a 40-day prosperity meditation I’ve used before. In the past, I approached it like something I thought might support me. I also approached it like a chore. Shocker: In that energy, I never managed to make it through the 40 days. I think I got to 38 one time. And? I don’t feel like I received THAT much from the experience of the meditation, despite the fact that I KNOW it’s powerful. Even when I did 38 days. Why? I wasn’t tapping into the full power of my intention.

Yesterday, a few soul sisters and I decided to begin again. This morning, moving into day one of forty of this prosperity meditation, I allowed myself a few moments to truly feel into the energy of abundance. To feel into my deepest and truest desire for how this meditation will serve me on my path. And now, I’m owning it, through my intention:

“It is my commitment to explore all that is available to me within a 40-day commitment to myself and to my relationship with abundance. I choose to show up to this meditation daily from a place of presence and deep gratitude, allowing the words to permeate my being, lift my vibration, and strengthen my knowledge and understanding of the truth that divine abundance is always operating in my life. I see the evidence everywhere at all times, and I experience heartfelt connection with the energy of abundance through my sacred breath and movement. I relax and allow. I celebrate and receive. I AM abundance. This. Or something even better. For the highest good of all concerned. So be it.”

So. Be. It.

One strong intention later, and I already feel differently inside my relationship to abundance. THAT is the power of intention. I've shifted into alignment with the experience I want to receive, simply through fully owning my desire and allowing myself to feel and communicate it's core energy.

I invite you, dear hearts. Come with me into a deeper relationship with intention. Where have you been holding your intention and the fullness of your desires at arms length? Will you commit to inching closer with me? No. Screw "inching." I want to jump in together. I know it can feel scary. And? I believe.

So Why Aren't You Fucking Doing It?

I’ve come to a point in my life where I feel steadfast in the knowledge that I have the power to create my own reality. It’s taken me a long time to get here. To feel solid in that belief. But I feel (with at least 92.5% confidence) that this is the truth.

This, obviously, leads to the very difficult question, “If that’s true, why am I not living my dream life right now?”

Easy answer, dudes.

I’m not consistently doing the things that I know support me. The things that move me forward. This is the MOST frustrating thing in my life right now. Me. Myself. My “failure” to do the things that work.

In the last year, I’ve invested more than $30,000 in my own personal growth. As a result, I have at my disposal most, if not all, of the tools I require to create change in my life. I know what to do to move into a place of alignment. I know what actions, done on a daily basis, completely shift my reality. When I do them, amazing things show up.

And yet…

I do not always do those things. To be honest, I probably do-not-do-those-things more often than I do-those-things.

I know what to do. Seriously, I know. The question I keep ultimately coming to is, “So why aren’t you fucking doing it?”

Therein lies the work, beauties. Therein lies all the juicy, beautiful opportunity to love myself a little more, to judge myself a little less, and to know that everything is perfect. It’s all unfolding exactly as it should. And in repeatedly asking the question, “So why aren’t you fucking doing it?” I can trust that I actually am “doing it.”

I used to have a blog. It was about food. This new blog is not about food, but in a way, it’s about feeding yourself. Nourishing yourself through those moments of frustration, self-judgment and self-blame. Knowing that even when you feel like perhaps you’re not doing it, you really are doing it. I promise.

Here we go.